Tuesday, November 25, 2025
Thanksgiving Prep FAQ pt. 2
Dear Razor,
Last week, you told me to get a 45-pound turkey. I went to the store and the biggest one they had was 22 pounds. The butcher said that a 45 pound turkey would be a "freak of nature," and that I had my "head up my ass." What's the deal?
Confused
Dear Confused,
You obviously need to go to a different store. That store you went to both stocks tiny turkeys and they are pretty rude. If there is not another store available, buy two 22-pound turkeys and one one-pound turkey and tape them together before roasting.
Yours,
O. Razor
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Dear Razor,
Our theme for Thanksgiving this year is "Harry Potter." Will it be too scary for small children if my husband dresses as Voldemort?
Hermione
Dear Hermione,
First of all, your name is ridiculous. If it wasn't for the movies, no one would ever know how to pronounce it. As it is, the nation now has suffered two generations of 11-year-olds blathering on about "Herm-ee-own-ee."
Second, Thanksgiving already has a theme! You don't need to give it another one. So sell the costumes. Also make sure to get a large enough turkey.
Yours,
O. Razor
