Sunday, October 22, 2017
Sunday Reflection: Consoling the grieving
This week, Donald Trump took a lot of criticism for his call to the family of a soldier who died on duty in the African nation of Niger. I'm sure he fell short of the ideal, but I also am hesitant to criticize him because I am not sure I could do so much better myself. Consoling the grieving is a difficult and subtle thing.
I am never sure quite what to say. I know it is important to be there, to be present. I know that it is important to love those in pain with selflessness, and to listen if they are willing to talk. But... what to say is a challenge for me.
"I'm so sorry," is what I usually say. If I knew the person who died, I try to say something about them, about what they meant to me.
I'm pretty sure, too, what I shouldn't say. That would include the following:
-- That the death must have been what God desired
-- That "all things work together for the good" or something like that
-- That I understand their loss (I probably don't-- I am not them)
-- To tell some story about myself
Some you out there have been in the position of either needing solace or giving it, well. What is the best (and the worst) things to say or do?
Comments:
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It depends so much on how well you know the person who passes and their family.
If you are close to the family I think the words will always seem awkward and inadequate but being there is what the family remembers. You took time to recognize their loss and remember their loved one.
You don't extend "warmest" condolences, one extends "deepest" condolences
"I will keep you (and your family) in my thoughts and prayers" also sounds nice but it you are not really a person of faith they are words that don't carry much weight. They sound good, but
If the person is close, I always offer to help or visit with them when things settle down. There is so much outpouring of love and support when a person passes but then those people fade into the wood work. Keeping in touch three or four weeks later is really important.
If you are close to the family I think the words will always seem awkward and inadequate but being there is what the family remembers. You took time to recognize their loss and remember their loved one.
You don't extend "warmest" condolences, one extends "deepest" condolences
"I will keep you (and your family) in my thoughts and prayers" also sounds nice but it you are not really a person of faith they are words that don't carry much weight. They sound good, but
If the person is close, I always offer to help or visit with them when things settle down. There is so much outpouring of love and support when a person passes but then those people fade into the wood work. Keeping in touch three or four weeks later is really important.
Yes, Christine. And three or four months later. When someone close to you dies, you're in a fog for a while. I think it takes a good six months to even begin to clear.
Presence matters more than words--showing up at the funeral or visitation. If there are kids, showing up at their games/concerts/events. Sharing memories is something the grieving long to do, and just letting them talk. They sometimes aren't aware of their needs, so if you hear them mention something that you can do--"the lawn hasn't been mowed in a month"-- offer to do it.
Presence matters more than words--showing up at the funeral or visitation. If there are kids, showing up at their games/concerts/events. Sharing memories is something the grieving long to do, and just letting them talk. They sometimes aren't aware of their needs, so if you hear them mention something that you can do--"the lawn hasn't been mowed in a month"-- offer to do it.
Agree completely with Megan and Christine. It feels strange to talk about the deceased, but (if you knew the person well, or if he/she had an impact on you), the grieving loved ones do appreciate a memory you can share of the person.
And I agree about physical presence--showing up at the designated memorial service, funeral, viewing--if it's possible to do that. Or just greet the person at some point a few weeks or months later, and give them a hug. I remember when my father died (long time ago, before email), lots of caring folks telephoned, and although we appreciated it, it was emotionally exhausting to answer the phone and re-tell the story of how he died. I don't know what the internet-era equivalent of that is (thankfully); maybe that re-telling has been made easier by online tools now.
And I agree about physical presence--showing up at the designated memorial service, funeral, viewing--if it's possible to do that. Or just greet the person at some point a few weeks or months later, and give them a hug. I remember when my father died (long time ago, before email), lots of caring folks telephoned, and although we appreciated it, it was emotionally exhausting to answer the phone and re-tell the story of how he died. I don't know what the internet-era equivalent of that is (thankfully); maybe that re-telling has been made easier by online tools now.
# posted by 
: 12:17 PM
: 12:17 PM
Two thoughts:
If you knew the person who died, and want to console the survivors, and don't know what to say, say that. Go to them, wrap your arms around them, and say, "I don't know what to say. I am so sorry. I love you."
If you do not know the person who died, and you are the commander in chief:
1. Know the name of the person who died (for example, "Sergeant LaDavid Johnson").
2. Know the relationship of the person you are trying to console to the person who died (for example, not "your guy", but "your husband").
3. Express the gratitude of the nation for so costly a sacrifice in the service of his country.
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If you knew the person who died, and want to console the survivors, and don't know what to say, say that. Go to them, wrap your arms around them, and say, "I don't know what to say. I am so sorry. I love you."
If you do not know the person who died, and you are the commander in chief:
1. Know the name of the person who died (for example, "Sergeant LaDavid Johnson").
2. Know the relationship of the person you are trying to console to the person who died (for example, not "your guy", but "your husband").
3. Express the gratitude of the nation for so costly a sacrifice in the service of his country.
# posted by : 11:16 PM
: 11:16 PM << Home
