Tuesday, November 25, 2014


Recipe Time! IPLawGuy's Turkey In a Can

This recipe comes from IPLawGuy (pictured above), who makes a great turkey every year in his own unique way.  

Here is what you will need:

1 three-foot-long wooden stake
1 brand new trash can (not galvanized)
1 big bag o' charcoal
A jumbo jug of lighter fluid
9 beers (14 if you are buying Little Kings)
Aluminum foil (he uses official Dale Earnhart, Jr. foil, but you can use inferior brands if you must)
1 18-19 pound turkey
12" Mullet wrench

Next, here is the plan:

1)  Go out in the back yard.  Clear off an area about two yards wide-- just shove all the stuff over to one side so the ground is clear.  Begin consuming the beers.  Make sure you get all the stuff like Barbies and Nationals' jerseys out of the way. 

2)  Put down some aluminum foil to cover the ground, about 3 feet by 3 feet.  Or, 1 metre by 1 metre if you are in Canada.  But why are you in Canada for Thanksgiving?  That's just stupid.

3)  Pound the wooden stake into the ground right in the middle of the aluminum foil.  IPLG uses a mullet wrench for this.  You can use a hockey stick or a muffler if you want.

4)  Now, get the charcoal burning real good in the lid of the trash can.  Use a LOT of lighter fluid.  A LOT.  In fact, just make a little lake there in the bottom of the lid, and it will go up real nice. 

5)  Place the turkey on the stake, legs down.

6)  Now put the trash can down over the turkey and the foil.

7)  Once the coals are ready, dump them on top of the trash can and around the sides.  The bottom of the trash can should have a nice lip on it there, so it's like a little hibatchi or something.  Have some more beers.  Be careful when dumping the coals, and use oven mitts to handle the lid of the trash can, because lit coals are hot.  Really hot.

8)  Let it cook in there for about an hour and a half or so.  Don't peek while it is cooking.  The coals will die out on you about then anyways.  

9)  Slowly tip up the can and remove the turkey.

Garnish and serve.  Serves three.

One of the beautiful things about this recipe is that it uses every part of the trash can, so nothing goes to waste.

Important note:  Here are a few things IPLawGuy has learned from years of experience:

-- DO NOT use a plastic trash can
-- Don't drink all the beers at once, before you pour the coals
-- Don't leave your Nationals jersey close to the flames
-- Make some other stuff for dinner, too!

Interesting method. I see you have emphasized all the liability issues (real hot, wear oven mitts... etc....).

My own version might have included some bourbon. Perhaps soaking the turkey in bourbon before smoking.
I don't have a mullet wrench anymore (long story). Can I use a glass bowl instead?
Bourbon is good. Glass bowls not so much
Yes, bourbon would improve the recipe a lot!
Can I use a plastic trash can if it is a plastic turkey?
Sigh... the wheelbarrow. You always forget the wheelbarrow.
Hey, waitaminute Mr. Lawyers…where’s the disclaimer step?!
What is there to disclaim? That turkey recipe is awesome!

So long as you don't use a galvanized trash can, because the zinc fumes from that will make the turkey lethal if ingested.
Sorry Prof, what was I thinking?!? Aside from watching out for the potentially lethal receptacle, the turkey only needs to be impaled on a stick that sounds like really bad news hinting of the haircut from hell (mullet wrench!?!), resting on an aluminum foil lined area [albeit high quality aluminum foil] somewhere not too far from your house or your neighbor’s house (I assume), drenched in a gallon of fuel and set on fire, all while consuming copious amounts of booze…yeah, what could possibly go wrong? Perhaps a slightly dry breast and incinerated thighs…but perfectly done juicy wings, I bet.
What part of fire and copious amounts of booze don't you understand?
As a follow up to Marta, I am curious … albeit it could be argued as a waste of potable beer … has IP Law guy ever experimented with placing a few (full) beer cans under the can to add to the seasoning?
Craig, the kind of beer IPLG drinks isn't technically "potable" (or, as government bureaucrats would define it, "beer").

Yes, with a chicken. In my smoker. I've had trouble keeping it upright though
Salt, you forgot to salt the turkey first. What were you thinking?

IPLawGuy, the part of fire and copious amounts of booze I deem disclaimer-worthy is the fact there have been studies showing booze affecting hand-eye coordination in human subjects and also some empirical data showing copious booze and fire to be an explosive mix. Anyway, just so you know, I never thought this pyromaniac’s special Thanksgiving bird was not awesome (as the Prof. vouches) and now with the Medievalist salt tweak, I might just try the recipe myself…give the NYFD a run for the money.
Once again to follow Marta’s line of thinking … given the mix of numerous highly combustible fuel sources, non-potable beer swill, and red hot coals … I wonder how often IPLG has launched blacken turkey and trash cans into the highly congested flight patterns of Northern VA … only to have FAA and Homeland Security swat teams descend on his back yard … then, awkwardly, having to account for the smoldering Barbie dolls and Nationals jerseys … like a botched cult thanksgiving service gone awry???
What's so terrible about a botched Thanksgiving cult service?
Here's a video:


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