Monday, January 09, 2012

 

Our winner: Mr. Robert Johnson!


I was all set to award this week's prize to Bob, in large part because of his Bachman Turner Overdrive reference (I'm a sucker for anything related to BTO). But then Bob himself gave a shout-out to the golden last line of Robert Johnson's effort:

Romney/Rubio
That has a nice ring to it.
Mormon Schmormon, Yo!

And so, Mr. Johnson is our winner. As promised, here is a short and 110% accurate biography of the champion:

Robert Johnson is currently the Publisher and Editor-in-Chief of the McLennanan, which bills itself as "McLennan County's County Magazine." True to its promise, the McLennanan brings a monthly dose of all things McLennan, whether it is a bar fight in Lorena or an apparent nuclear explosion in McGregor. Somewhat more obscure is the way in which Mr. Johnson seized control of the magazine.

From 1886-2001, the McLennanan (originally known as the McLennaneran) was owned and operated by the Larson family of Clifton, Texas. In the later years of the Larson's ownership, it was apparent that things had slipped. On a regular basis, several pages of the magazine were blank but for a small message reading "this page intentionally left blank," while much of the remainder was filled with gun ads, poorly drawn comic strips submitted by area youths, and no small amount of locally-produced porn.

In 2001, Johnson was just finishing up his career in the military, where he served with the very secretive US Navy SEAL Team 7. Among other operations, Johnson was involved in the secret invasions of Cambodia, Canada, Aruba, and France, and was rumored to have been a part of the failed government operation against the cast of Three's Company in 1980. Done with his service and with time on his hands, Johnson returned to his home county and set his sights on the slack-jawed owners of the McLennanan.

With the aid of ten Kazak mercenaries, Johnson stormed the McLennanan offices on Valley Mills Road at dawn. Initially, the fighting was fierce as armed militants from National Tire and Battery and the H.E.B. grocery store joined the fray, but in the end Johnson and his men seized the offices and took control of the magazine. They suffered only a single gunshot wound to one of the mercenaries, which was quickly attended to by "Doc" Anderson in his nearby office (though this treatment led to a later and unfortunate addiction to cat tranquilizers).

Congratulations again to this week's winner, Mr. Robert Johnson!

Comments:
Wow! My boss beat out my professor for a haiku win!
 
Curses! I KNEW I should have kept my big, fat mouth shut. Alas, I am forever a creature of impulse. Next time, however, no matter HOW good any given haiku is, I shall endeavor to keep silent and thus not unduly influence our Esteemed Haiku Arbiter of Taste. BWAH HA HA HA HA!
Bob
P.S. Was anybody else's coffee curiously strong this morning? Must be the water ...
P.S.S. Congrats, Robert. A deftly played haiku, indeed!
 
Very honored indeed! Great way to start the day.
 
What about the part where he sold his soul to the devil at the crossroads?
 
I wouldn't mind being the King of the Delta Blues.
 
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