Osler's Razor

Since I am somewhat confused as to my duties as Wacoan of the Year, I have sought out confidential advice from the Yoda of this area, Scott Baker, who was the first-ever Wacoan of the Year (you can check out his blog here). Here is what he had to say:

Dear Mark,

First of all, I hope it is plainly understood that the advice and information I am writing you here should NEVER, under any circumstances, reach the general public. So as long as we're clear that this letter is to remain completely private and is never to be read by another Wacoan, I'll proceed.

Congratulations, grasshopper. For the duration of one year, you will be the holder of the title "Wacoan of the Year." (Naturally, since I was the inaugural WOTY, I retain the title in perpetuity. All subsequent holders are merely honorary ones. We're clear on that, capice?) You have reached the highest of heights. You have floated to the top of the Brazos. You have hit the high note on the Hippodrome stage. You have topped the final rung of the tallest ladder atop the Alico. You are the man.*

Now, becoming WOTY bestows you with awesome powers and abilities. You always know the answer to the question, "Where's Freddie." You become one of the keepers of the secret formula of Dr Pepper. If you find yourself at the back of any line, just say, "Don't they know who I am?" and you'll be moved right to the front.** You understand that in much the same way that odor is added to methane for our safety, the Waco water taste is added for everyone's benefit. Every time there is a natural disaster or other major threat to the city, you will be spirited away to the secret bunker underneath Ridgewood. It's all pretty cool.

And let me confirm some rumors: Yes, being WOTY comes with some perks. Among them is of course access to the VIP lounge on the top floor of the Alico. (The key should be where Bobby and I left it: buried in the "grave" of William Cowper Brann.) You get a free glass of wine every time you go to the Green Room. (Be sure to tell Davin I told you about that one.)*** You get a free membership to Cottonwood Creek as long as you are willing to climb the fence at night. Rosetree Floral will make sure that there is a path of rose petals leading you every step of your daily journey. And the mouth-breathers who badmouth you in the comment section of the Trib website will become increasingly incoherent as your WOTY powers grow and mature to the point where they will no longer even be able to form complete sentences.

But all is not sunshine and bluebonnets; there are some serious tasks for you. Continue my fight to rid the airways of the Clark Motors and Mike Knight television commercial abominations. Keep lobbying the Starplex to clean the headrests on their seats for the first time. Help Baylor in their obvious agenda to form a shadow government that really runs Waco. Find a way to eat one of each kind of pancake at Cafe Cappuccino in one sitting. Get Bush's to prove they don't lace their chicken with crack.

This is all but a taste of what you have to look forward to. Go forth boldly. Tell everyone I say hello. Wear the sash and tiara of the WOTY with pride. Don't point out to anyone that if they look carefully at the photo spread of me in the December '07 issue they'll notice that my fly is down. And next time I'm in town I'll teach you the secret handshake.

Sincerely,


Scott Baker
Wacoan of the Year in Perpetuity


* - Not to be confused with "The Man." Without the WOTY title, being "The Man" in Waco is a very very very bad thing. It means you're the one keeping everyone else down. You cause the mold in the Brazos. You keep TAKS scores down in WISD. You make sure the police force is too small. You serve on a non-profit board. And you probably have something to with Baylor.

** - So far, this has yet to work out of town. Not for lack of trying. It also fails to impress my wife.

*** - Unless, of course, there is another Baylor employee present. In which case Davin will bring you some "grape juice."