Saturday, May 30, 2009

 

Trapped in the SkyMall!


Recently I found myself on a lengthy flight with inadequate reading material. Truly desperate, I found myself immersed in the horrifying world of SkyMall magazine, a plump monthly chock-full of bizarre products catering, apparently, to America’s impulse spenders who own incontinent pets. About one-third of the products offered involve pet bathrooms of one kind or another, while much of the remainder cater to amazing lazy people who, for example, are unwilling to paddle to the side of the pool to fetch another beer. Here are some of the wares on display for May of this year:

1) Gravity Defyer Shoes!
These shoes incorporate an incredible new invention: The metal spring. Apparently, there is some part of the world where the spring is a shocking development, and that part of the world is SkyMall. According to the text, these amazing metal springs also reduce foot odor somehow.

2) The Aculife Home Acupuncture Kit.
Really? Really? I can just jab needles in my palm at home instead of paying a professional? Hoo boy. This is the kind of innovation that we get from using stimulus funds on the “Tort Lawyers Full Employment Act of 2009.”

3) “The Peeing Boy of Brussels” Sculpture and Fountain.
If you can only afford one peeing boy statue, make sure he is Belgian! Plus, you can sell a bottle of the results at Cricket’s for $10.50. Also available (for $98.95): “Bigfoot, the Garden Yeti” statue.

4) The Coronado Massage Table.
On its face, this is a fairly palatable product. It’s only when you read the details that the real unpleasantness comes in—the ad claims that the table “supports 1500 lbs.” Which, of course, raises the possibility of massaging a 1500 lb. person. Ick. Double ick. Notably, the ad also hints that the table could be used for “couples massage”—if you are into touching two 700-pounders in love. Crikeys!

5) Map Plates.
Yes, it is… plates that are shaped like European nations. The ad describes the adventure of serving “pasta on Italy,” and “sauerkraut on Germany.” Um, maybe. But it is hard to avoid the fact that Italy is pretty inconveniently shaped to serve anything except an oddly thin boot. And who gets stuck with Luxembourg? Hello, eating disorders and intra-family fisticuffs!

F) Giant Cupcake Pan.
I suppose this could help get you back in good graces with whoever got stuck with Luxembourg for his entrée, but still… isn’t there already a dessert that is basically a giant cupcake, called “cake?”

7) The Passenger Seat Office.
The photo of this product shows a woman driving the car while working on her laptop, talking on a cell phone, and pulling a file from a hanging folder. I think I recognize her from an accident last week on Valley Mills. But, why stop there? What about her cigarettes, beer, and firearms? This thing needs more pockets.

8) The Dark Knight Special Edition Cowl. Where are you supposed to wear this? The shocking thing is that the last Batman movie actually spent a lot of time making fun of dorks wearing dopey Batman costumes.

9) Bassin’ Boat with 4,000 Volt Death-Ray.
Ok, I made this one up… but the rest of them are real. Hello, “Peeing Boy of Brussels!”

Comments:
One of the funniest things I've read in days! Very, very nicely done, Mark!
Bob
 
LOL

Incontinent pets - that's because their owners leave them for extended periods of time (so they can read SkyMall magazine) instead of being home to take them out.
 
One of my friends was telling me that as a wedding present for a friend of his, he and the rest of the wedding party all chipped in and got the couple a $300 gift certificate to SkyMall. I realized that's a great gift, because there's so much crap in there that looks like it would be great to buy, but no one wants to spend their own money on it, but it would be great if you had a gift card and thus weren't wasting any of your own money. Plus it would make looking through SkyMall a lot more fun if you were actually going to buy something. I filed that away in the "good ideas for the future" file.
 
Stop making fun of my garden yeti. He HAS a name, and it is Greg.
 
Θεωρώ αυτήν την θέση άσχετη με το συνολικό όφελος του ξυραφιού. Κανένα από τα διακεκριμένα πρόσωπα αυτής της κοινότητας δεν θα ανεχτεί αυτό το foolery. Παρακαλώ παψτε αυτό αμέσως και επιστρέψτε στις καταπληκτικές θέσεις για Obama και τον Ιησού και τα τέρατα του Λοχ Νες.

Οκ. LΠΧΟ
 
Oh great. Greek on the Razor now. According to BabelFish, it reads:

"I consider this post irrelevant with the total profit of Razor. No one of the distinguished persons of this community will tolerate this foolery. I request you cease this immediately and return in the amazing posts for Obama and the Jesus and the monsters of Loch Ness. "

The guy's name makes no sense unless you analyze it letter by letter. And guess what you get then?

"M r . L E G O "

This blog has either sunk to new lows or gone to new heights, depending on your point of view.
 
Don't mock the Litter Robot. When I was in law school (read: when you guys were assigning me so much work I could barely remember to feed my cats, let alone clean up after them) it saved my life and the smell of my house.
 
That ..... was simply awesome!


Love,
Matt
 
I have read SkyMall before and it always reminds me of Sharper Image, which has stuff like "Portable Personal Air Conditioner" that you wear around your neck to keep cool.

Might be fun to get a gift cert to it for a present, but not for your wedding. That is about as bad as the couples who register at Home Dept. Ewwww.
 
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