Osler's Razor

Unlike some of the other goals, Imperative C of Baylor's Vision 1930, "seeking a more attractive student body," was quite affirmatively achieved. In respect to the male students, the recruitment efforts for the stillborn Pansy Division greatly upgraded the physical attractiveness of the enrolled students. To this day, Baylor’s male students are particularly attentive to personal grooming and are unusual in their willingness to undergo procedures such as manicures and artificial tanning. Oddly, this seems particularly true of those students hailing from the Dallas area.

As for the females, Brooks embarked on an ambitious program to eliminate overweight females. He began with the sophomore Samantha Bajus, who had so cruelly been specifically named in the Vision 1930 documents. Brooks and his minions caused her to be enrolled (against her will or knowledge) in a physical education class with the seemingly innocent title of “Running for Fitness.” The instructor was Football Coach Frankie (“The Wallet”) Fabezio, formerly a welterweight boxer in Detroit. Miss Bajus was the only student of the class, an ominous sign. She was provided with a track outfit consisting of XXL shorts (which fit), a size medium t-shirt (which did not), and a sandwich board reading “Fatty!” on both sides. Fabezio would follow her in a Packard as she jogged around campus, with a sound system mounted on the roof of his car. As she ran, he would make announcements to the public, such as, “See her wobble! See her jiggle! See the enormous fat fatty girl try to run!”

Whether it was intended or not is still in dispute, but eventually Febrezio “accidentally” ran her over with the Packard, leaving her corpulent body in the middle of University Parks Drive to rot and fester in the sun. Eventually, after the Waco Evening-Absconder newspaper took note of the incident, the University did take action, placing a large sign near the corpse reading “Baylor Vision 1930, Imperative III: Fatties Need Not Apply.” The incident received favorable coverage in the news, editorial, fashion and “Texas Living” sections of the Dallas Morning News, complete with photos of the accident site and the remains of Miss Bajus, who had been reduced by passing cars to a leathery disk some 18 feet in diameter. The lead editorial the following Sunday, in fact, was headlined, “College Finally Takes Action Against Unflattering and Unfit Students. Huzzahs!” For decades thereafter, female students who threatened even minor weight gains were threatened with being “Bajused.” As a result, Baylor women to this day are well-known for their fitness and near-universal tendency towards extreme eating disorders. Baylor is now a school which leads the nation’s religious colleges in percentage of gay men and anorexic women, and all credit properly belongs to President Brooks and his foresighted Vision 1930.

Labels: Baylor History