Sunday, February 18, 2007


A little Quaker humor

My Sunday School teacher (and Hero of Writing), Bob Darden, gets some pretty interesting publications. One of the more interesting of them is the "Quaker House Newsletter," which is put out by Quakers in Fayetteville, North Carolina. Bob gives them to me because of my interest in the Society of Friends.

My favorite part of the Newsletter is the back page, which contains the "Quaker Chuckles" column. While the jokes usually are real groaners, there are a few gems hidden amidst the muck. For example, here are a few good ones:

Joke One: A particular professor was known to have a sour disposition, and one day he barked at his class, "If there are any utter ignoramuses here, please stand up!" After a long silence, one friend in gray slowly stood up. "I see," said the professor, "so you admit to being a total ignoramus, then?" "Um, not exactly, Friend," replied the boy, "but I do hate to see thee standing up there by thyself."

Joke Two: Friend Jones sat down to his breakfast with the day's newspaper. He was shocked when he turned to the obituaries page, to find an announcement of his own demise. He immediately pulled out his cell phone and called the clerk of his Friend's Meeting. "Has thee seen the announcement of my death in the newspaper?" he asked the clerk. "Errr, yes," responded the clerk. Then after an uncomfortable pause he added, "... Um, where exactly is thee calling from?"

So, do you know a joke?

Nothing about Quakers, despite having attended a Friends School as a child. I attended UU church for a while, though, so how about these:

Q. What do you get when you cross a Unitarian Universalist and a Jehovah's Witness?
A. Someone who knocks on your door, to ask you to tell them about your faith.

Have you heard of the Pentecostal Unitarians? They debate social issues in tongues.

A visitor to a UU church sat through the sermon, growing increasingly disturbed by the heretical ideas. On his way out, the outraged visitor sputtered "I can't believe half the things that minister said!" A nearby UU replied "Oh, good - then you’ll fit right in!"
I heard once that when the Universalist-Unitarians really hate someone, they burn a giant question mark on their lawn.
These are all much better than the Quaker jokes.

I've heard some Episcopalian jokes, but we were all too drunk to remember them
A Quaker farmer came downstairs one night having heard someone there to find an burglar. He said, raising his gun,'Friend I mean thee no harm but thou art standing where I am about to fire !
True Story:

A woman had been assigned to speak for fifteen minutes at her local LDS congregation. While she spoke, she blubbered and cried for almost the entire time. When she finished, she turned to the leader of the congregation and said, "Bishop, I'm so sorry. I'm such a big boob."

After she sat down, the leader of the congregation stood up and said, "It's OK Sister Jones; we like big boobs."
Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Quaker who?
Quaker Oats!

Sven: Olie, why does your chicken coop only have two doors?

Olie: Why Sven, don't you know, if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan!
A minister wanted to get some copies of Canon Farrar's book, "Seekers After God," and sent out an order to a New York bookseller for them. The dealer could not get them in New York or Chicago, and sent this telegram to the minister:
"No 'Seekers After God' in New York or Chicago; try Philadelphia."
I LOVE those Unitarian jokes, as I was raised a UU. I have no UU jokes but I can report that in Sunday School as a Unitarian, we spent an entire year VISITING OTHER CHURCHES.
Consequently I have not a great idea of what us UUs believe but I know what it is like on Sunday when you are Jewish, Greek Orthodox, Catholic,
Presbyterian, etc...
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