Thursday, January 25, 2007

 

Vision 1930

While reading this post from Bear Meat about the futility of Baylor sports, I was reminded of the brilliance of some of our Baylor fore-Bears. [or forebearers, whatever] Much as we now celebrate the amazing Baylor Vision 2012, many years ago Baylor President Samuel Palmer Brooks ginned up the even more amazing Vision 1930, which contained the following initiatives:

Imperative 1. Baylor’s Administration and Students Must Seek Out and Kill The Leaders of Texas A & M University. Baylor will seek to maintain a culture that emphasizes vengeance against those who sully our honor, especially those who do so from Texas A & M University. Believing fully in the Christian concept of a just war, we are assured God will aid us in this fight.

Imperative 2. Create a Campus Both More Conducive to Learning and Less Vulnerable to Attack. The heart of the Baylor experience rests in the communion of ideas, not in fending off Huns or aggrieved feral bears which now roam the campus. Whether by moat, fortified redoubts, or by a series of pillboxes, the security perimeter of the campus must be improved.

Imperative C. Attract and Support a More Attractive Student Body. In order to thrive in a competitive environment, Baylor must have more attractive students, and many fewer grossly overweight students such as fatty Phyllis Smith Bajus of Abilene. If possible, Baylor scientists should develop a way for female students’ busts to be artificially and permanently enlarged, so as to preserve modesty and increase attractiveness. If necessary, female students should be told that they are too fat (save for the bust region), even if this is not strictly true.

Imperative 4. Initiate Mediocre Academic Programs in Selected Areas. To further the goals of the fair-to-middling students who compose the Baylor student body, additional so-so programs with impressive names should be created. For example, some students, chosen at random, could be placed in the “Super-Smart!” program and given shiny medals and awards, while housed in an on-campus compound replete with its own coat of arms, creed, and tall steeples.

Imperative 5. Build a Winning Athletic Tradition in All Sports Except Those Involving A Ball. History has taught us that our strengths lie in those sports which wisely avoid the chasing of a ball. Thus, we shall be competitive with the best schools in the nation in the sports of sculling, the winter biathlon, nordic skiing, jumping sports, figure skating, luge, fencing, ice hockey, hunting, and fishing.

Imperative 6. Achieve a $4,000 Endowment. To sustain excellence, Baylor will build an endowment with a corpus of $4,000 by 1930. This shall be achieved by setting up a roadblock on LaSalle Avenue in Waco, and assessing a toll on those traveling between Dallas and Austin.

Imperative 7. Provide Oustanding Statuary. Baylor must strive to achieve that one thing the best schools of this nation share in common: Striking statues in public places. In keeping with the religious mission of the school, no such statuary shall display apparent genitalia.

Imperative 8. Increase Executive Pay. To truly become excellent, Baylor must lead the way for other schools in the area of executive pay. The chief officers, in order to maintain excellencehood, should be paid at least as much as the leaders of Harvard University, the Johnny Torrio organization in Brooklyn, the Westinghouse Corporation, and the United Fruit Company. These peer institutions have already shown the benefits of such appropriate pay scales.


Now, could it be that it is time to revisit the wisdom of Imperative 5 and its suggestion that we "Build a Winning Athletic Tradition in All Sports Except Those Involving A Ball?"

Comments:
If only President Brooks had been able to pass Imperative 9 requiring that the Baylor Athletic Department impelement programs designed to prevent Baylor atheletes from shooting each other and to prevent coaches from being caught on tape accussing the suspect of being a drug dealer. Those short-sided regents wouldn't pass the imperative. And to think, they could have save the university--and a few Baylor Law professors--quite a few headaches.
 
This the best thing I've read today. Much better than any of the studying, that's for sure!
 
I love BearMeat.

Why didn't we ever complete the imperative of destroying A&M? That seems like the most important one there!
 
Osler should I be worried about you?? hahahahaha
 
Prof:

Excellent historical research. We must alert our readership to your post so that they may learn of our noble heritage.

Good day,

Red
 
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