Saturday, December 09, 2006


The question everyone is afraid to ask...

As we all know by now, Chris Farlenholdt, uber-blogger and media celebrity, has announced his run for commencement speaker. While I generally applaud this action, I do feel there are some underlying questions, scary questions, that must be asked.

Specifically, put together the following facts:

Fact One: Mr. Fahrentholhp is in that class of people designated "English Majors." This is readily verifiable-- he took a number of English classes while at USC, and in fact his undergraduate diploma from the University of South Carolina identifies him as an English Major. He is slated to attend a graduate program at Butterworth College in Vermont after his graduation... a graduate program in English.

Fact Two: English majors such as Mr. Fahrenthohp often refer to one another as "cat." For example, one English Major may say to another "That Kenny Loggins is one hep cat!" Because Mr. Fawrenthold and Mr. Swanburg are the only English Majors at Baylor Law, it is a fair inference that if one of them is referring to a "cat," that is a reference to the other.

Fact Three: Mr. Swanburg, in a particularly horrifying passage of his own writing, has made reference to knowing a "cat" who pees on people as they sleep.

Fact Four: Many older attendees at commencement fall asleep during the more boring parts of the ceremony.

In sum, is a Fahrdenthold-centered commencement one you would really want to invite your grandparents to?

I'm an English Major too. creative writing to be exact.

Hey, that makes you a cool cat!
I know of several English Majors at the law school.

- an Economics Major
I believe that your theory may be flawed, as there are more than two English Majors at the school.

Other than that, it all works.
I guess it all depends on how much you like our grandparents.

You are missing our point, which is that there are more than two English Majors. So it could be a whole bunch of people taking a leak on your relatives if they fall asleep at commencement.
Pardon the cross-blogging, but I feel the insatiable need to share my story.

I’m far from an “English major.” In fact, my first language was one seemingly understood only by myself. I’d always tell the funniest jokes and nobody would laugh, so at the age of about one or two I took it upon myself to conform to the world around me.

The product of Hispanic help and countless hours of Telemundo, my parents found my speech unintelligible till about the age of 6. As far as they’re concerned, my first word was, “GOALLLLLLLLLL” accompanied by a celebratory hat dance. My father eventually tired of being called Papi and referred me to hooked-on-phonics.

Minus the occasional detour into Ebonics, I’ve been loyal user of English for many years now. Being a user of English however doesn’t necessarily make me an “English major.”

I hate English classes. In third grade I got in trouble for writing a poem similar to my award winning piece on teen angst. Apparently, some people didn’t think I was funny so they arrested my mother. I’ve avoided English classes ever since.

In short, although me may not not write pretty on occasion, I’m no “English major.”


Vote C4CS07 and yea . . . he pee’d on her.
What about Spanish majors? Yeah, yeah, I know, too geeky for words.
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