Monday, December 04, 2006


My brain hurts. Joke needed.

It's 10:15 at night, and I'm up in the office working on this brief. I'm kind of in the zone, but maybe getting a little foggy. Is it appropriate to slip a joke into the brief, somewhere in the middle of the discussion of 18 USC 3742(e)(3)(C)? I think it is. Maybe as a footnote, but if I can find a good segue, I can slap it right in there as a block-quote.

That's where I need your help. If you know a good, short, not-crude joke that might make Justice Ginsburg chuckle (I think that might work on her), please put it in the comments section below.

I wouldn't include a joke, but since she is a well-known opera buff, I might throw in a reference to Dr. Faustus or Carmen or Figaro or Brunhilde some other well known Opera character.

Or maybe a reference to Bugs Bunny playing Figaro or Brunhilde
I think I'm beginning to understand why the Court takes so few IP cases...
Zen Buddhist to hotdog vendor: "Make me one with everything."
First, jokes are unprofessional. Just write every third page in haiku, dot your 'i's with hearts and tripple up on the exclamation points. It will brighten her day.

I did the in LARC I and the Prof. loved it.
Also if you replace or your 'that's with 'the's like i did right there, it will make her think you're artistic.
The latest from Jay Leno:

What is the difference between Britney Spears and Ryan Seacrest?

Ryan Seacrest wears panties.

Last night Britney Spears went to a Tom Jones concert, and Tom Jones threw panties at her.
Make sure there is a citation for the joke... I don't want to be searching for days trying to find adequate support for it. Thanks.
I'm pouring through research myself, and need a break, so here is my attempt...

FN56 or whatever: Much like the current controversy over Pluto, the dispute centers around whether the sentence was inside or outside the solar system.

Happy writing,

Love Matt
I've got one that's a science/law crossover:

An impatient doctor goes to the lab to see what's taking them so long to look at a blood culture he sent over. The doctor demands to see the lab tech responsible for looking Mrs. Smith's blood. One of the lab tech's raises his hand, not looking up from his microscope and the doctor charges over.

Doctor: Well, tell me what you saw in Mrs. Smith's blood!
Lab Tech: Sorry, I can't tell you that.
Doctor: WHY NOT?!
Lab Tech: Because it's not within the scope of my inquiry.
Doctor: What do you mean not within the scope?! I sent her blood over here so you could tell me what it looks like!
Lab Tech: No, you don't understand. It's literally not under my microscope at the moment.
The penguin goes up in front of the judge to be sentenced (Arrested by ICE Agents for illegal entry, no doubt). The Judge says "It appears you are wearing a tuxedo."

The penguin shrugs and replies "What makes you think I'm not?"

-- Judge H.
A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby. The nurse brings them a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!
"Congratulations!" says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."
Swanburg goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

Swanburg says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

Swanburg says, "75 cents."
What do you call a smart blond?

A golden retriever.

~Yee, a blond
Linda came home and was obviously upset.

Her mom asked "What's wrong, honey?"

"Jim just proposed, but mom, he's an athiest! He doesn't even believe in Hell!"

Her mom replied "Go ahead and marry him, honey. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
These are two my dad sent me this morning:

Q: What do you say to a lawyer when you see he's about to get hit by a truck?


Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A doberman
"Just like 100 trial lawyers at the bottom of the ocean, the discussion of 18 USC 3742(e)(3)(C) started off well..."
Swanburg walks out of a bar in Lorena totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
"You, sir, are drunk!"

"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

[sadly, it did not prove to be true]
i think you may know this one already, but...

what do you get when you cross a mafioso with a postmodernist?

someone who will make you an offer you can't understand.
IF she really likes Opera ten she might like my theory on the three basic opera endings:
1. Impale yourself with a sword (a la Madame Butterfly OR die of TB or consumption - like Mimi in the attic or that other woman who takes like 45 min to die while singing...

2. Jump off a tower (TOSCA)/buried alive like Aida (with or without your lover)

3. Get pulled down into the flames of hell like Faust. Where you will get to see all of those posters that say things like: "Winners don’t Quit. That's why they Win."
What kind of socks to Pirates wear?

Actually this is a very funny site... They make PARODIES of all of those motivational posters. They always make me laugh.


If you're not a part of the solution,there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem.

Get To Work

You aren't being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.


None of us is as dumb as all of us.


Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.
So a dyslexic walks into a bra

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


A pirate walks into a bar with a big wooden ship's wheel attached to his pants. The bartender asks him what the deal is and he says, "AHRRR, it's driving me nuts!"

maybe try a cheesy come-on:

I wish I were a derivative so that I might lay tangent to your curves

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together
Osler: Knock Knock...
William K. Suter (Clerk of the US S. Ct.): Who's there?
Osler: Ken
WKS: Ken who?
Osler: Ken I put a whole bunch of totally random photos in my brief? 'cause I like to do that...
Darth Vader: Son, I know what you are getting for Christmas...

Luke Skywalker: How do you know?

Darth Vader: [breathing deeply] I felt your presents...
So Ruth, have you heard the one where Larry Flynt, Jerry Falwell, and the head of the ACLU are trapped in a lifeboat?
If you put a cypher and a code hidden throughout your brief, you would provide the justices with hours of entertainment and plenty of fodder for judicial chats at the drinking fountain. Put your phone number in it so you get a call if someone ever figures out your code, and then you can give them a cool prize, like random photos of the Baylor faculty.
VD-- I already did that, silly. Sheesh, it's not like I don't know anything about legal writing...
The Supreme Court takes at least one IP case every year. They just heard one on the doctrine of "obviousness" in patents last week. The Justices basically beat the crap out of the Federal Circuit for setting up a series of tests that no one understands.

Recent IP litigants before the Big Nine have included Victoria's Secret and E-Bay. There have been cases involving highway signs, children's clothing, a serialized television adaptation of Eisenhower's memoirs and more.

A seminal Trademark case decided by the Supremes was a battle between two Mexican restaurants based in Texas, Taco Cabana and Two Pesos. It was a classic confusing O'Conner decision, proving the old maxim that bad facts make bad law

I've been getting some questions about how Santa finesses trademark laws. Please advise. And remember that said questioners monitor this site.
In reality, Santa holds the rights to ALL toy trademarks. He simply licenses others to use the marks for limited purposes.

He cancels arrangements when licensed toymakers go too far. Hasbro had to stop shipments of uranium-based EZ-Bake enrichment ovens back in the 50's.

He hasn't been so successful in stopping the Iranian toymakers though. The whole "Muslims don't Celebrate Christmas" thing has been a problem.

But on the bright side, why do you think Cross Dressing Ken has never made it to the market? You KNOW he does it, yet Mattel has never even tried to market the concept.

Yep, Santa stopped that too.
Prayer for relief:

Please read this brief as you do the Constitution. That is, if you want me to win, please do not feel bound to the “literal” arguments made in this brief. The drafters could not possibly have anticipated your mood on a given day, or what Justice Breyer had for lunch (presumably Taco Bueno), so please read this brief liberally, in light of the current climate of moods and indigestion.
You know, I always wondered about the trademark issues on this one toy monkey I got for Christmas-- the tag identified him as "Bi-Curious George."
My mom's favorite joke is:

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A Fshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
You're blog is stupid.
Please tell me someone else sees the irony in the statement:

"you're blog is stupid"

That may be my favorite joke yet.
VR, if you think that is funny, than your stupid to.
I'm hoping that the "You're blog is stupid" comment wasn't coming from an offended Justice Ginsburg. That would be troubling in so many ways...
This reminds me of the West Wing episode in which Josh, Sam, and Ainsley are sitting around in the Roosevelt room trying to make one of the President's speeches funny.

How about:

This footnote intentionally blank.

A starving law student goes over to Bates' house and knocks on the door.

"What is it now?" askes Bates.

"Well, I'm out of food, and wondered if I could do something here at your house to earn some money," says the student.

Bates thinks a minute, then says "Well, the porch out back needs painting. Here's a bucket of paint-- get to it."

So an hour later the student comes back to the door, and Bates pays him $12. As the student leaves he says "Thanks-- but you know, that isn't a Porsche out back, it's a BMW."
Two Norwegian lawyers debating a patent case:

Swen: You know it was da Swedes, dere, who invented dat dere toilet seat, don't cha know.

Ole: Ya, sure, but do you tink dat judge Ruth knows dat da Norwegians invented da hole?
I don't think Bates would have made him work for money. He would have freely offered all the food in his house--however his stock only consists of bananas, peanut butter, and pepsi. But that's not as good of a joke.
Bobbitt Family Update

In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with















A Misdewiener!
I wouldn’t recommend using any of the Swanburg jokes. I used to have a thing with one of the Judge’s granddaughters and yea. . .I just wouldn’t recommend it.

One day maybe I’ll tell you what the Judge’s granddaughter should not be used for and on that day you’ll understand why I can never show my face in the Supreme Court ever agian.
what do bears keep in their pockets?

the bare necessities!
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