Sunday, April 01, 2007


Reader Profile: Mr. & Mrs. Celebrity Luvr

It occurs to me that as much as Razor readers get to enjoy the words of the Celebrity Luvr's, they may want a more complete picture (as I offered earlier this year in the profile of IPLawGuy). Here are some key facts:

1) Strangely, despite high intellects, they really do luv them some celebrities, and know way too much not only about people like Paris Hilton, but what what happened to the kids on "Alf."

2) They are Texans. You can probably tell by looking at them.

3) Mr. Celebrity Luvr employs and trains many Baylor students over at the federal courthouse. So far as I know, Mrs. CL has yet to accept a single Baylor intern.

4) A mastery of the haiku is not the only talent of this couple. They also have serious barbecuing skills, and the ability to both cut and dye hair. I don't know about the dye-job part, but Mr. CL did cut my hair once, and it was a disaster. Maybe he shouldn't have done it in the dark, or at the same time someone else was cutting, or after he had a few turkey-tinis.

5) Between them, they have something like 18 children.

6) Now that he is a federal judge, we don't see this any more, but Mr. CL was a wonderful trial attorney. As national counsel for Ford, he defended suits all over. I often run into other attorneys who have a story about him-- how he transformed a case, or made a complex thing seem simple for a jury. Now he gets to just watch people like me fumble around.

7) Because they are both tall and well-coordinated, the CL's are great dancers.

Wow. I'm speechless. I would like an intern, though. Anyone interested? You must be available for last minute babysitting gigs and posess a car large enough for all the heathen children, and appropriate car seats, etc...must not be opposed to trashing said car with goldfish, fries, and various sports equipment. Perks include access to Us Weekly, Cosmo and ESPN magazine subscriptions, unlimited diaper changing opportunities, and some "pool nanny" time. Unlimited PTA involvement, trips to HEB and carpooling. Also, must love Beagles, and be fast enough to catch runaway Beagle while holding Starbucks and wearing heels. Sunscreen and bug spray complimentary, must provide own box 'o wine.
OK now do they have to be be HIGH heels? or are pumps okay? Trashing the car is no prob, and I have brand new van that is almost ALREADY trashed... it is full of giant plastic bugs and dinosaurs, puzzle pieces, gold fish, empty juiceboxes and talking "Dress me Elmo." I don't know what HEB is, but I do go to Gymboree. I have three car seats, all with washable covers, a truckload of Pullups, and I prefer Beringer White Zinfandel. I am not a Cosmo girl, but my "too embarrassed to admit it" reading is REAL SIMPLE, COOKING LIGHT, VANITY FAIR and GASP! - PEOPLE on occasion.

You DO KNOW that I am looking for a job but that I do not live near you. Its almost cruel to mention job that I am over qualified for... IN fact I actually HAVE that job now but the salary is next to nothing. There are perks, though... I get to sleep next to a giant snoring dog, read all the Curious George and Dr. Seuss books, AND buy extremely cute teeny weeny outfits.
Tyd: Yes, they do have to be high heels, the kind that make noise when you walk, however, I am happy to loan you some, I hope you can wear a 9 1/2, as I have ginormous feet. You're hired, pack yer bags, sister, yer movin' to Waco!
When she gets here, I really look forward to seeing her around the Ridgewood pool in the ginormous heels. Whoo!
The pool is at your HOUSE, right? I mean I thought everyone in Texas had a pool. When we were looking at houses out there (we almost moved to Fort Worth - SOme place calle d Colleyville or Flowerville or Flower town? something) and I woudl not even consider any houses without pools. SO Could I have a pool? Or should we just use Osler's pool? OR yours?
OMG OK this is stupid but funny... THere is a little girl at Spencer's preschool named PAIGE..... she has a TOTAL CRUSH on him.

She makes him pictures all of the time of hearts and stuff. ITs hilarious.
Mrs. CL is extremely hot! She can cut and dye my hair any day or night of the week. Please consider this my formal application to apply for an internship with Mrs. CL. I will be a pool nanny, wear heels for her and feed her grapes if that is her wish.
Although pool boy does have excellent taste, perhaps the Marshals should pay him a visit . . .
Dear Pool Boy, I have a verbal contract with Tyd. I think we can get a multiple-line discount on Pull-ups and juice boxes at Sam's. While your offer to wear heels and let me practice my barbering skills is most appreciated, I must decline. Maybe you can re-apply next year. Thank you for your offer!

Tyd, the pool's at Ridgewood, Waco's version of a country club. At least they bring you Margaritas, and even Hank can order his own snacks, and charge them appropriately. Pool opens Memorial Day, I'll spot you some sunscreen, and we have extra swim diapers & water wings. I double dog dare you to go off the diving board!
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