Saturday, June 11, 2011
Least Effective Superhero: Squirrel Girl
Every superhero seems to be getting a movie these days, but somehow I suspect that will never happen for the one that makes me the most nervous and unsettled, Squirrel Girl.
According to the Marvel Comics Wiki, poor Doreen Green was the subject of an unfortunate mutation which inevitably led to her living in the forest with squirrels. There she developed her secret power: marshaling the fighting prowess of hundreds of squirrels at her command!
Really, Marvel Comics? Squirrels? I suppose this might be a threat to power cords or something, over a period of time, but I'm not sure this is superhero material... Especially when her sidekick is the loony Monkey Joe.
Apparently, Squirrel Girl is a member of something called the Great Lakes Avengers. Now this is hitting close to home, as a child of and now resident of the Midwest. I'm guessing that the Great Lakes Avengers would include the following:
1) Walleye Man
Sadly, Walleye Man is primarily known for being delicious to eat and giving up almost immediately when caught. Known to bite shiny red things.
2) Hockey Guy
The only truly threatening member of the group, hockey guy hits people with a stick. Afterwards, though, he is all politeness as he says in an interview "Yah, well, Dr. Doom went out there and gave 110%, and ya gotta respect that."
3) Vestryman
A member of the Episcopal Vestry, he is able to slow down time by forming committees and sub-committees. Sometimes serves as sidekick to/nemesis of fellow Great Lake Avenger, Senior Warden.
4) Wolverine
No, not that Wolverine... this is the one who is just a huge University of Michigan fan, and whose primary weapon is a giant foam finger. Loses a lot of battles. Cool helmet.
5) Bobby Fanbelt
[Secret identity: Robert Fanbelt]. He pretty much has been working on his car for three years. He supposedly has a job, but no one knows what it is. Superpower is disabling cars.
6) The Lifeguard
Keen powers of observation. Great tan. Makes $5.45 an hour. Rides her bike a lot. Tempts others to fake drowning so she will pay attention to them.
Anyone I am missing here?
Comments:
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You forgot The Lutefisk, who is just generally unpleasant and no one wants to be around him.
# posted by 
: 9:34 AM
: 9:34 AM
GrillMaster
Uniform:
Kiss the Cook Apron, plaid shorts that do not flatter, black socks with sandals,
Weapons: tongs, apron, hat. Foul language at flare up. Miller Lite.
Power: He just blows smoke. He tries to impress people whi his claims pof "secret family recipe" but in 1997 the FBI investigated and found he was simply using KC Masterpiece.
Uniform:
Kiss the Cook Apron, plaid shorts that do not flatter, black socks with sandals,
Weapons: tongs, apron, hat. Foul language at flare up. Miller Lite.
Power: He just blows smoke. He tries to impress people whi his claims pof "secret family recipe" but in 1997 the FBI investigated and found he was simply using KC Masterpiece.
Parentus Superiourious
Uniform:
Dockers (AKA Garanimals for Men)
Weapons:
Condescension, Backhanded compliments, Verbal annoyance in the vein of" anything your kid accomplished? My kid did it ten times better.."
Power: Seems quite powerful until you actually meet the kid he is talking about. After that.. his powers disappear...
Uniform:
Dockers (AKA Garanimals for Men)
Weapons:
Condescension, Backhanded compliments, Verbal annoyance in the vein of" anything your kid accomplished? My kid did it ten times better.."
Power: Seems quite powerful until you actually meet the kid he is talking about. After that.. his powers disappear...
Don't underestimate the power of Vestryman. He can tie you up with incredibly long and windy reports followed by Motions and repeated references to Roberts Rules of Order. He can keep groups of other people trapped in a poorly ventilated parish hall or basement storeroom disguised as a library for hours on end.
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