Osler's Razor

The following is a special guest appearance by RRL.

I will never get to watch Baylor beat the University of Texas. That much is clear.

And this is not because Baylor doesn’t beat the University of Texas. In 1988, 1989, 1991, and 1992 the Bears defeated the Horns. In fact, in 1989 Baylor travelled to Austin and beat the Horns 50-7. Yet, I was either too young to remember these games, or my parents made the decision that I would not fully appreciate such glorious victories, and therefore I was left at home. In 1997, I thought that we had no chance of beating Texas, and so I chose to go to a debate tournament (and you thought I wasn’t cool in high school) that was the same weekend. Bears win 23-21. We had not beaten Texas since 1997 until this past weekend. So, naturally, I have hardly missed a game over the last 12 years. Over that stretch I’ve seen Texas beat us 62-0…twice! 41-0. 56-0. I’ve watched Vince Young, Roy Williams, Colt McCoy, Ricky Williams, Cedric Benson, etc. gain innumerable yards and score countless touchdowns. Basically, over the course of my 30 years on this planet I have never tasted the sweet nectar of beating the Horns in person. At some point, you just kind of resign yourself to the idea that maybe I will never get to see us beat UT.

But that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying to see it. So, this year I yet again bought a ticket to Austin. Buy the ticket, take the ride. Robert Griffin was back and healthy. Jay Finley was healthy. Hope springs eternal. What is the worst that could happen?

And then I found out that the mock trial team for which I am a coach was scheduled to compete that same weekend. So I would not in fact be in Austin to watch my Bears take on the Horns, but I would instead be in Pittsburgh, PA. Sweet.

Now, when I first discovered this I thought to myself, “well, no big deal, how upset can you really get about missing us getting trounced in Austin again?” At the time Texas was ranked #4 or #5 nationally, and was coming off a season that saw them play for a national championship. We were coming off a 4-8 season. Plus, in the David v. Goliath story, we are most certainly the David to UT’s Goliath. UT’s enrollment is around 50,000. Baylor’s is around 15,000. UT’s endowment is close to $12 billion. Baylor’s is less than $900 million. UT’s football stadium seats over 100,000 people. Floyd Casey seats around 50,000, and hasn’t seen that many in a long time. The University of Texas has won 48 national titles in all sports. Baylor has won 2.

We are Rocky, they are Apollo Creed. We are Rudy, they are the evil football coach that wouldn’t let Rudy play. We are Ghandi, they are the British. We are the USA hockey team in 1980 in Lake Placid, they are the Soviet Union.

None of that matters of course. I went to Baylor. My parents went to Baylor. My little brother goes to Baylor. I love Baylor. And I’m proud of that. Unlike the thousands, maybe millions, of bandwagon t-shirt UT fans that plague this great state, whose affiliation with the University of Texas is simply that they were able to drive to their nearest Wal-mart and pay $14 for some god-awful bright orange shirt, I love my school even though we aren’t historically great at athletics. And I will continue to do so. Plus, our tennis teams are legit.

Anyways, that is where we sat in August. And then the season started. Baylor entered Saturday night at 6-2, bowl eligible, ranked 25th in the country, and in first place in the Big XII South. Texas entered Saturday night at 4-3, not bowl eligible, not ranked, and coming off a loss to Iowa St. at home. Up is down. Black is white. A monkey types Hamlet. Cats and dogs, living together.

And yet, Baylor still came into the game as underdogs. Despite all of that, Vegas had Baylor getting as much as a touchdown. Will Ferrell said Saturday morning on ESPN that, "it's scientific law that Baylor cannot beat Texas at Texas,” and the “experts” on the show agreed with him. All of them took Texas to beat Baylor.

When the game started I was at a banquet for my mock trial team. We had a very nice time. I only checked the score on my phone 537 times. After the banquet I went back to the hotel in the hopes that the Fox Sports channel would have the game on TV. Nope, the Pittsburgh Penguins were engaged in an utterly meaningless game of no significance. I now understand why people in the northeast hate college football, because they are stuck watching Big East football all day and hockey at night. Nobody should suffer through that indignity on a Saturday in the fall.

And thus, I turned to the Internet and to the radio broadcast talents of John Morris. And as I turned on the game Baylor was down 19-10 in the third quarter. The experts were going to be proven right once again. The Evil Empire would keep rolling on. And then, something changed. Jay Finley broke out for a long touchdown run. 19-17. Then, on Texas’ next offensive play, Antonio Jones intercepted the pass. The Bears converted and scored a touchdown. 19-23. The Bears held UT on their next possession and then scored yet again on a Robert Griffin pass to Kendall Wright. 19-30. I was alone in my hotel room. And I was freaking out. You know the rest. UT kicks a field goal, gets the ball back, completes a long pass down the sidelines only to fumble the ball, Bears run out the clock. Final score, Baylor 30-Texas 22. I sat alone in my hotel room. I was ecstatic. I was elated. I was overjoyed. I wasn’t there.

I’ve seen a lot of great things in my life. I’ve seen Baylor play in the College World Series. I’ve seen Baylor play in the Elite Eight. I’ve seen Baylor in a bowl game. I’ve seen the Rangers play in the World Series. And those are just the great sports memories that I have. But I’ve never seen us beat the University of Texas in football. And I may never see it. Maybe that is my destiny. And that is okay. Because as I sat in a bar in Pittsburgh, PA with my four team members and ordered up some adult beverages to celebrate Baylor’s victory over 1,400 miles away in Austin, Texas I was perfectly content. I realized something.

You know what I realized. I realized that beating Texas is nice and all, but I would trade every victory over the University of Texas, and I would gladly never attend another Baylor win over UT for the rest of my life, as long as I get to see us beat those livestock fornicating, goose-stepping, dead dog worshiping, silly costume wearing, Hitler-youth, fake Army Texas Aggies. And I’ve already seen that a couple of times in the last few years, so I’m good.

Sic ‘em Bears. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.

RRL
Proud Alumnus of Baylor University, which was established in 1845 by the Republic of Texas, nearly 40 years before the State of Texas established the University of Texas and nearly 30 years before the State of Texas established Texas A&M so that all of the paste-eating children in the State of Texas would have a place to go.

p.s. – hope everyone enjoyed the election…