Osler's Razor

"Things are going to start happening to me now"
-Navin R. Johnson
 

"Crime-tastic!"
 

What was wrong with your old one: "Crikeys!"
 

About the time you have some poor 1L on his or her feet (for likely the first time) and you are dragging him or her unwillingly through some black and twisted warren of Socratic torture, and he or she comes up with an answer so convoluted in its logic and textual support that, quite literally, he or she has bet all of his or her hopes on it... pause. Look him or her straight in the eye, smirk a little even, and ask, "Is that your final answer?"

Bask and revel in the ensuing meltdown, then send them to fetch you some coffee and write a three-page memo due on your desk tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. explaining the correct answer.
 

DING!
 

BOOMSHAKALACKA.

Vary between loud yells and soft whispers.
 

Start every class with Texas' #1 export: "Howdy Folks".

You should also attempt to make as many analogies as you can that revolve around either the roadrunner or the bluebonnet—the less sense they make to even someone intimately familiar with Texas flora and fauna the better.

Example:

Osler: “He (or she) hightailed it out’ta there like a roadrunner on a rabbit on hot day in the Hill Country!”

Student: “What?”

Furthermore, to reinforce your new reputation, you should probably wear a bolo tie (at least on Fridays) to complement your shiny black cowboy boots.

Additionally, you could take a page out of Alabama’s (i.e. Dale Peterson’s) rhetorical handbook and teach every class with a lever action Winchester slung over your shoulder. You could use it to point to the board, to elicit volunteers, and as a supplemental punishment in the event that the three page memo Lane suggested happens to fall through.

Example:

Student: “But Professor Osler, I just couldn’t get it finished on time”

Osler: “I don’t give a rrrrrip!!! BOOM!”
 

"boom goes the dynamite"
 

I'm with Anon 11:27, use obscure, if not totally made up Texas lingo. Just get a copy of Dan Rather's quotes and use those.
 

Yeah, I'm with anon. It should be "Whaaay? Thugs 'n criminals."

That ought to be the right answer for a lot of your questions.
 

Just "Whaaaay?" should work. Or some quote from Star Wars.
 

"That's what Scalia said."

Or you could steal my favorite BLS catch-phrase, which happens to come from Guinn: "That dog won't hunt."

Or an adaptation from Star Wars: "That is not the droid we are looking for."
 

"At no point in your incoherent rambling did you even create a rational thought, let alone answer the question. All of us are now dumber having listened to your response. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul." - Billy Madison
 

Michael, that's a no-go. Professor Counseller used that line on me during first year civ pro.
 

Dear Prof. Osler,

Please look at the following post, clearly dated before your own:

Click here for evidence.

Sincerely,

Micah
 

"Are you 'avin' a laugh?"
 

Micah,
Looks like you could use a good IP lawyer.
 

Pronk. It's all the rage in Virginia's 11th District.

http://onion.com/brSgOw
 

Since you will have 1L's, and in the spirit of causing just a little first day(or first semester) fear, respond with the following to the first incorrect answer:

"Can you please repeat your answer again a bit louder, listen to yourself, and tell me if that sounds as stupid to you as it does to me."