Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Yet another bad book idea...
Yesterday, someone suggested to me that my next project should be to write a children's book. Given that most of my published work has been in the area of criminal justice, this seems like a bit of a stretch. Still, I have been working up some ideas:
1) Green Eggs and Crack
In this illustrated future classic, a hapless citizen is the recipient of endless offers of free crack by a shady character known only as "Son of Sam I Am." This will bring new meaning to classic phrases like "would you, could you, on a boat?"
2) Frog and Toad are Felons
"Good morning, Frog."
"Good morning, Toad."
"Would you like to hold up a convenience store?"
Toad looked up. "I suppose," he said.
3) The Berenstain Bears and the Messy Execution!
Here, the ageless bears are hired to conduct lethal injections in Texas. As one might expect, mayhem ensues until wise old Mr. Perry arrives to put everything back in order.
4) The Runaway Bunny and the U.S. Marshal
Baby Bunny is a parole violator! Luckily, an important community helper is there to gun down Baby Bunny when he appears to be reaching for a metallic object once he is cornered after a high-speed chase.
5) Charlotte's Web of Conspiracy
Wilbur the pig is living an unremarkable life on the farm until he meets Charlotte, a spider whose unusual ideas lead to several overt acts and the eventual indictment of all the barnyard friends.
6) James and the Giant Bong
James' friend Lil' Wayne has a special and amazing surprise for James!
Of course, some of the best stuff has already been done:
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Wow. I mean, children would appreciate learning about the criminal justice system with their favorite characters, but it has never been as entertaining as this! Here are a few of my (lamer) ideas:
Goldilocks and the Three Consecutive Juvenile Life Sentences
Click, Clack, Puff: Cows That Do Crack
Curious George Visits Huntsville, TX
A slightly altered Alice in Wonderland:
"This crack costs a shilling", said the Hatter.
"But I haven't any money", said Alice.
"Oh, but that is not a problem! You do not make money by having money! You make money by robbing people!"
And so on and so on...
Goldilocks and the Three Consecutive Juvenile Life Sentences
Click, Clack, Puff: Cows That Do Crack
Curious George Visits Huntsville, TX
A slightly altered Alice in Wonderland:
"This crack costs a shilling", said the Hatter.
"But I haven't any money", said Alice.
"Oh, but that is not a problem! You do not make money by having money! You make money by robbing people!"
And so on and so on...
You could update the P.D. Eastman books"
Are you My Parole Officer?
Run "Dawg" Run (a tale of how to escape arrest)
Are you My Parole Officer?
Run "Dawg" Run (a tale of how to escape arrest)
You are now about to find out exactly how productive I'm being on New Years Eve eve...
"Dora the Deporter"
"How the Grinch Stole Chrismtas...and got 5 years pursuant to federal sentencing guidelines."
"Oh the Places You Won't Go...when you're locked up"
"Clifford, the Big Red Drug-Sniffing Dog, Catches Crack Addicts"
"Babar Imposes Mandatory Minimums on his Kingdom"
"Paddington Bear: Paddington Goes Underground" (actual title)
"My Teacher is an Illegal Alien"
"A Wrinkle in Time Served"
"Dora the Deporter"
"How the Grinch Stole Chrismtas...and got 5 years pursuant to federal sentencing guidelines."
"Oh the Places You Won't Go...when you're locked up"
"Clifford, the Big Red Drug-Sniffing Dog, Catches Crack Addicts"
"Babar Imposes Mandatory Minimums on his Kingdom"
"Paddington Bear: Paddington Goes Underground" (actual title)
"My Teacher is an Illegal Alien"
"A Wrinkle in Time Served"
Goodnight Mook
Horton Hears an Appeal
Are you There, God? Its me, Margaret the Convicted Arsonist.
Winnie the Parolee
Horton Hears an Appeal
Are you There, God? Its me, Margaret the Convicted Arsonist.
Winnie the Parolee
You could be the next Dr. Seuss!
The Gat in the Hat - how to smuggle your illegal arms!
If I Ran the Cartel
Hopped on Poppy
Green X and Heroin
Horton Hits a Hoochie
Oh, the Places You'll Go! - Your quintessential guide to the prison system.
The Gat in the Hat - how to smuggle your illegal arms!
If I Ran the Cartel
Hopped on Poppy
Green X and Heroin
Horton Hits a Hoochie
Oh, the Places You'll Go! - Your quintessential guide to the prison system.
This post is awesome and should be made into a prime time television series. Other episodes could include:
Harry Potter and the Gas Chamber of Secrets (the rest of the Harry Potter Books are too easy to even mention)
Eragon for 35-60 Months
Alice in Wonderland - because Lewis Carrol was on enough opium to kill a stable of horses. (Micah beat me to this one, but I had to mention it anyway)
Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Pot
Oh the Places You'll Go! On Your Acid Trip (This requires no alteration of the original text besides the subtitle)
And it could go on forever...
Love,
Matt
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Harry Potter and the Gas Chamber of Secrets (the rest of the Harry Potter Books are too easy to even mention)
Eragon for 35-60 Months
Alice in Wonderland - because Lewis Carrol was on enough opium to kill a stable of horses. (Micah beat me to this one, but I had to mention it anyway)
Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Pot
Oh the Places You'll Go! On Your Acid Trip (This requires no alteration of the original text besides the subtitle)
And it could go on forever...
Love,
Matt
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