Osler's Razor

Asking me to tell clean jokes (as this is a family blog) is difficult, but I shall not sully Baylor's good Baptist name.

A burglar is breaking in to a store. He pulls out his crowbar and starts trying to crack open the cash register, when he hears a voice from behind him.

"God is watching you."

This obviously freaks out the burglar, so he glances around, but sees no one. He waits for a minute, and seeing and hearing nothing, figures he's imagining things. He starts to jimmy with the cash drawer again when a voice says, louder this time, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU!"

Startled out of his mind, the burglar looks around. His eyes finally alight on a parrot in a dark corner of the room. Sighing with relief, he says, "Oh, is that you doing all the talking? What's your name, pretty bird?"

"Moses!" squawks the parrot.

This sets the burglar to laughing. "What kind of moron names his bird Moses?" he asks rhetorically.

The parrot fixes him with a level, black-eyed gaze, and squawks, "The same kind of moron that names his doberman God."
 

This is a letter from Grandma. She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved good bye to all those brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma
 

A senior partner is walking to lunch with his paralegal and a young associate when they notice a small brass lamp on the ground. As the paralegal picks it up the lawyers start grabbing for it and to their surprise a genie pops out. The genie say, "In thanks for getting me out, I'll give each of you a wish."

The surprised paralegal says, "Send me to a perfect beach in Barbados with a cabana boy on one side and an endless supply of tropical drinks on the other!" With a "poof," she disappears. The associate laughs and says, "I can do better. Set me up at the best hotel in Hawaii with a hula dancer on one side and a surfer chick on the other, both with as many mai tais as I can drink!" Poof! He disappears.

The genie turns to the senior partner and says, "What do you need?" He smiles and replies, "Oh, I'm fine, just get those two back to the office after lunch."
 

LOL

All the jokes gave a good chuckle.
 

Warning: This joke i s from Spencer and I get to hear it like 400 times a day:

But he DID make it up himself:

Why did the cow cross the road?

Because it was time to MOOOOOOve.

yuk yuk
 

Ok I got two.
1) Two boll weevils, brothers, grew up together. One went to college and then law school, got a good job, has a lovely family and is a pillar of the weevil community. The other is in prison. What do we call the second one? (Wait for it....)
THE LESSER OF TWO WEEVILS! HAHAHA

2) (And I have to preface this one that saying many of my inlaws live in mobil homes, and I heard this joke from them)
Q: What do a Texas tornado and a TN divorce have in common?
A: Either way, someone's going to lose a trailer.
 

Four men are sitting in the waiting room of a hospital while thier wives are giving birth. A doctor walks up to one man. "Congratulations! Your wife just gave birth to a beautiful set of twins!"
"That's odd," says the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins." he walks off, eager to see his children.

A receptionist comes up to the second man and tells him that his wife has just given birth to three beautiful triplets. "How funny," says the man. "I'm an exectuive at 3M."

A nurse walks up to the third man and lets him know that his wife has just delivered quadruplets. "Whoa, that's strange," he says. "I own a Four Seasons hotel."

The fourth man is sitting in a corner, sobbing incoherently. A nurse walks up to him and asks him what is wrong. "I work for 7-Up," he answers.