Osler's Razor

I have always liked the idea of believing in God, and I have seen some miraculous events I am convinced were helped along by the power of prayer.

However, I cannot seem to believe in God myself. I tried. Doesn't work.

Those crazy Unitarians....I was so busy believing in everything, I now believe in everything and nothing.
 

Doesn't someone have an idea for this Tydwbleach? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
 

Tyd,

If it's not too personal, I'd like to know why believing in God didn't work for you.
 

I don't know.. I was not socialized to believe in God. My parents were Unitarians and while I think my mom believed in God she did not ever talk about it and certainly did not act like a Christian. My father was this morose Oncologist (cancer doctor) and while he was raised in the Episcopal and Methodist churches, he one day decided there was no God. I guess he had seen too much death etc.

I went to Unitarian Church, and Sunday school and everything, but they never encouraged a belief in any one God or the Holy trinity. We did some "God stuff" you know.. went to a lot of other churches, made Scripture cake etc a lot of focus on morality and how to treat other people but not "god."

Thus, I went through every single horrible event in my life with no God to turn to for comfort or solace. My mother's illness and death, my father's death, all this other crazy stuff where everyone told me that "God was there" for me or something and honestly - just nothing...

When my mom got sick i tried to believe in God. I realllly did . but I was faking it. Seriously I went first to my own church for some answers, but there were none, then I tried other stuff I read the bible, I talked to people... I knew they believed it, but I never ever could.

I think it must be nice for other people to have that but I don't think it is in the cards for me. Perhaps because I have lived without it for so long. I DO believe in SOMETHING.... honestly Like a goodness in the universe or a positive force, and karma, and other things like this. I may be inherently a Buddhist. I remember really liking that religion when i studied it at Cranbrook, and I though "Maybe one day I will do that."
I have to admit that it does piss me off when other poeple, like my In Laws, for example laugh at my religion.. THey told me that Unitarianism is "like the Elks Club of religions." We were not allowed to get married in the only church I have ever known. I KNOW Unitarians are crazy, but so were my parents... seriously - just certifiable... so what chance did I have, you know? it was not MY CHOICE to get "christened" or whatever a Unitarian but I was from Birth. you know? I did not have a VOTE in it, and then I feel like they hold it against me that my church is kooky. For example Bill says i can raise Spencer as a Unitarian if I want and take him there, but HE WILL NOT SET FOOT INSIDE A UNITARIAN CHURCH...

Hey I OFFERED. Spencer is four years old and he has never been to a church. Bill's dad is a minister and Bill is not exactly taking the ball and running with it. I told Bill he had better get on the stick soon, or I am gonna take the kid to the Unitarian Church in Oregon City, and he will be surrounded by all the scary immoral fire breathing religiously confused and conflicted lesbians.
 

PS I realllly AM going to take Spencer to the UU church after we move back into our house ON July 31. That is, if Church is Open, a LOT of them close in the summer. Seriously.

But our house DID explode and we have lived for 436 days in a place that is not our home. So this has been a CRAZY year, but i don't want Specner to grow up with out SOME kind of religion. And if Bill does not do it soon, I really AM going to do that.
 

Tyd,

To clarify, do you feel that life has numbed you so you don't believe in God?

Or is it that you don't believe because you've done fine on your own, especially during the hard times?
 

No I do not feel numbed by life, I just feel that I maybe could have really benefited by having God in my life, but I never did have any relationship with Him so I had to just get through things on my own. I am used to doing that, and while it was not always easy I managed because I did not have a choice. When I really wanted a choice, when I really wanted some answers to things I sought out God to try and develop a belief but I could not do it. It never rang true for me. I tried to believe and I just did not believe... I don't know why.

So now, though I respect the beliefs of others and admire them for their devotion, I know I cannot do it for myself. Its like a its as if its a real stretch of the imagination for me and I cannot manage it or something. I KNOW it exists.., but its like I cannot see it, or will not let myself... or something...

But I see miracles all the time.. Really!! Like my son, who was not even supposed to be here, can now swim. or I see like a tremendous athlete and I think training hard got them so far, but there is something else that contributed. Or for some reason there are sort of angel like people around me. I did not have two "whole" or I guess SANE parents, but I had plenty or role models and guiding people and friends and surrogate family - people at summer camps and boarding school and other places you know?

SO MAYBE these people are evidence of God in my life, though I cannot see it.

I seem really stupid and shallow most of the time, especially on The Razor... but I KNOW FOR SURE that my house blowing up is NOT the worst thing that could have happened, AND I live my life in a way where I appreciate every day and every person as a gift. So I have that kind of intelligence, maybe, and I cannot help thinking maybe I got THAT from the Unitarians.

SO I guess I see the miracles of life, but its kind of like I don't have a ticket to get into the World Series.... I can stand outside and hear the game being played, I can watch it on TV and know it is great but I will never ever be allowed inside. I will never get a ticket for that game, because the price is a belief in God I will never have. But for me, I am not sad about this. Maybe because I am too dumb to know how great the game is...?

Wow. These must be FRIGHTENING metaphors to a bunch of lawyers...
 

Tyd,

You're too hard on yourself. Believing in God is a hard thing. And there have been wonderful people who have felt like you.

But I do have two more questions:

What would it take for you to believe in God? Why?

I know you feel that you'll never be able to, but think about it.
 

Craig--

That's just the right question. Tyd, thanks for continuing the discussion. I do know a lot of people who feel like you. I remember reading once that only 20% of the people in Grosse Pointe went to church, and it generally was not a place that fostered much of a faith life.
 

Sadly I am pretty sure I never will ... the reason is, if I could not find God while I watched my mother get more and more weak and sick and then die, then I am not sure I ever will. I think at that time I was the most open to it, the most willing to try to find the belief in myself and I really really did search. it was just not there, and I could not just fake it.
 

I remember the HARDEST HARDEST part of all of that was after she died. Everyone was telling me she was in a better place, she was with God, she was out of pain etc. I needed to know where she was. Could she see me? Would she come back at all in weird ways? Does she look the same? What does she do all day? Has she been reborn? Is she with her parents, or our cats?

If I had known God, I would know where she is right now. However, since I do not, I have no idea where she is. To me, she is permanently gone, I will never see her again, and I have no idea what happened to her. She is just dead. That was pretty hard. That was probably the hardest thing I struggled with during that time.
 

Tyd,

Again, if it's not too personal, what were you hoping to happen during that time when you were most open to believing in God that would open you up to believing in Him?
 

I guess I was hoping that I would get some understanding of why, after her really really hard (albeit self- inflicted misery) and miserable life and a horrible job she hated she had to get cancer. I could not understand why she would get it. Then I wanted to maybe be able to pray for things, like the strength to see her through it, or maybe pray for her recovery (which was not likely because she had Ovarian, stage 3B). Then, if she was going to die, then where would she be going? What would it be life there? Was she going anywhere? Why did she have to go?

I thought if I could sort of develop a relationship with God then maybe I could find the answers to all of these questions I had.

I thought maybe that if I tried really really hard to believe in him, that if I did stuff people told me to do like read the Bible and "open myself to the experience of him" or something like that. open my heart to him... If I could do all of that stuff, then maybe I would start to believe in God. I saw the Bible only as literature really. I had no trouble opening my heart, because honestly i was pretty much an open wound at that point.
I think if there had been a door for him to enter, he would have easily found it, and it just never happened.
 

Tyd,

Thank you for answering my questions. And I know you're expecting me to start telling you why you should start believing.

But I won't.

Still I sense that you have a deep desire to believe, to have the relationship with God you wanted while you suffered with your mother.

That is the truest seed of Faith.

And what if I were to tell you that there are answers to the questions you've had? Not dogma, or gimmicks, but real Answers.
 

This past year has been insane, with my house exploding and us living all different places, and trying to build a house and rebuild Bill's business which was destroyed, and also prepare the legal case and also of course (and please do not take this the wrong way but) PAY for the legal case...($300 an hour - sometimes $500 per hour when the lawyers talk to each other... ) all while raising a 4 year old AND rebuilding a house...I live on a goat farm with really stinky well water and I mean I KNOW I complain too much - there are people still in FEMA trailers, leftover from the "GOOD JOB" old "Brownie" did... I GET IT. I am lucky and thankful for so very many things. Maybe if I found God he would help me cope with the tiny little things that make me the craziest, like the fact that I lost my engagement ring this Morning, and after looking EVERYWHERE, like ALL DAY, I doubt that I will ever find it now.

I KNOW!!! Some poeple do not have engagement rings! Some people are not married and they do not have children and I mean I AM LUCKY NO MATTER WHAT... I get that. Its just when you spend all day fighting the utility places or whatever and then also listening to Spencer say the word "fart head" over and over in the back seat, so much that he makes up a song about it and starts singing that... and then you drag him to all these stupid places to have endless debates with Bill about stupid wood and tile colors and the CORRECT shade of gray and Lights and pocket doors, and just all of this STUPID STUFF and then still having to put up with the crazy guitar player customers who want to talk to Bill for two hours about Muddy Waters, and then you also have to get to swimming on time and karate and Day Camp and does he have the right outfit for this class and that class and remember not to send him to art camp in normal clothes... and "mommy where are my goggles?" and "Mommy why did the fire engine cross the road?" and the CHECK ENGINE lights and all of this STUFF.

I am drowning in this ocean of minutia. Probably some people would LOVE to swim here.. love to have my "problems" but I cannot see the shore.

If I am going to explore God again, he is gonna have to take a number until my life slows down.

I have NEVER EVER been a person who could see the forest for the trees or whatever.. not for my entire life have I ever been able to step back and just look at it.
 

Tyd,

Fair enough. But once things settle down and you'd like answers, I'd be happy to help you.

And I'm sure Prof. Osler would be happy to help, too.