Osler's Razor

My junior prom was probably one of the single most disasterous dates in my entire life, and none of it bears repeating here. I start to get the shakes just thinking about it. Ack! Law Prom, it sounds like a contradiction in terms. It's an oxymoron like "Tax return" or "Dodge Ram". Sheesh.
 

Well in all fairness, they couldnt have been too intoxicated if they could spell "saved".
 

Osler: quite fetching
in a tux, though he looks kind
of sleepy/silly
 

For some reason that I cannot recall my senior prom date and I stopped back at my parents house between our dinner and the "dance" portion of the evening. Two minutes after walking through the door, my dog Max inexpilcably attacked my date, biting her hand and tearing her dress.

Bassin' Man, I'm sure, is not surprised by this story. I doubt that anyone who frequentd our home during Max's reign enjoyed her company.
 

Yeah, Max pretty much did the same to me. Except the dress part.

Probably the all-time bad date story involving a dance belongs to IPLawguy, but I'll let him tell that one. Teaser: The date ends up going home in a police car.
 

http://www.harvardsucks.org/

have you seen that website yet?
if not, you have to click on the video.
 

I did NOT go home in a police car. One of our fraternity brothers picked me up at the police station and took me home. The joke was that he indeed was wasted, whilst I had only had two drinks that night.

Sigh.. YES, I was arrested for DWI on the way to Frank's Truck Stop during my Senior Year of college after our fraternity's Christmas formal.

Let's be clear on one point: the charges were dropped when the results of the blood alcohol test came back. I had a .004 Blood Alcohol Level, well below the .010 legal limit then in effect and even below the .080 level now in effect.

Anyhow, I was driving my 1968 Plymouth Satellite (previously featured in the Razor) out to Frank's and another guy was driving his puny little Mustang II. Naturally, I had to waste him with my might MOPAR power and did so by hitting 70 mph on a bridge on Capital Landing Road. Of course, I then had to hit the brakes and go around a corner. Which meant decelerating to about 30 mph causing the car to stall out.. and then the red lights came on.

So, I got out, did various dances and walks for Williamsburg's finest and finally they decided I was drunk and arrested me. It probably didn't help that my boutinerre (you know, the flower thing guys wear on their lapels at College dances) had been eaten earlier in the evening. Or that my car was full of half empty liquor bottles that I had to pour on the ground. You see, I was the fraternity social chairman. I had not had TIME to get drunk as I was trying to make sure everyone else had a good time.

Oh, and my car was such a wreck that the drivers side door didn't open from the outside.

Anyhow, I got hauled off in front of my date in cuffs. Fortunately, our drunk fraternity brother who drove respectable looking Chevrolet took her home.

I went to the hospital for my blood test, Williamsburg's Breathalyzer being broken at the time. They took my blood and mailed it off to the lab. The results did not show up until after Christmas break... you can imagine how much fun I had at home that year!

I think the only time I've ever felt more relieved than the time I opened that envelope is when I found out that I had made partner at my old law firm.

--And the police officer had neglected to charge me with Reckless Driving, so the whole case went away.

I did NOT get another date with the woman who had been with me that night. She did, however, marry another guy in our fraternity.

My experiences with my law school's "Fall From Grace" dances were far less dramatic. I took the same woman twice and had a crummy time both times as she was busy flirting with every other guy in the hall. The one time I took another woman, the first one kept trying to get my attention. Maybe I should have tried the "getting arrested" thing with her...

Some other time I'll write about the time I was arrested by Air Force MPs for DWI and had a blood alcohol level of 0.0
 

No, goofball, I said your DATE went home in a police car, not you.

I just wish they had saved the video of you doing the funny walks and poses...
 

No one went home in a police car.

Bob H. took her home too. I think they went to Frank's first, though. Then he came and got me.

Another amusing story is the time my roommate borrowed the car and it died on Richmond Road. The cops were kind of suspicious as he wasn't "the tall guy" who usually drives that car...
 

This was a police dept without a working breathalyzer. You think they had a video camera?

I can re enact the funny walks this weekend. I'm just as uncoordinated now as I was then.
 

This was a police dept without a working breathalyzer. You think they had a video camera?

I can re enact the funny walks this weekend. I'm just as uncoordinated now as I was then.
 

It's a sad day when people don't recall influential bands like Men Without Hats and tunes like Safety Dance. Next someone will claim not to remember the band the Hooters.
 

We have a Hooters right here in Waco, off of I-35 by that new mall.
 

Mark, thanks for turning me on to your blog.
Its made me reflect on a lot of different things, but the whole Prom / Dance issue is so ripe for good story telling...
Marching Band experiences may be the only subject more rife with humiliation.
 

Hey, I was in my High School Marching band too! Played the tuba. The great thing about band was that as a Freshman you were mixed in with Seniors. 18 year old Seniors who could legally, in those halcyon pre-MADD days, buy beer.

Much cooler than say, the Cross Country team
 

IPlawguy: Your story rocked.

Also: I had the Safety Dance video up on my blog about a month ago, if anybody cares to look (i'm guessing not).
 

Now, don't go bad mouthing the cross-country team. We had more fun than the stupid football team ever had. All they ever worried about was winning games. Heck.
 

We were a totally cool cross-country team.

Also, I have heard some stories about band camp...
 

Methinks you runners doth protest too much.

And yes, Band Camp was pretty educational.
 

This one time? At band camp? I killed a guy with a trombone.
 

Am I the only one to have read:

". . . first woman to ever show me how a strapless bra worked. I was enthralled. She was a great date, something I might not have been, based on my repeated use of the term "per stirpes" alone.

Rule #1. When a girl is taking off her clothes, NEVER recite words rhyming with herpes. NEVER.

You had to work hard to break that one.
 

I think my formal date this year is probably gonna be a puffalump. :(
 

Oh! I know it sounds totally dorky, but making out with the puffalump is the best part about formals!

I mean, Puffalump Puppy's already in a blue tuxlike thing.
 

I read that line about the bra, started to type and thought... Nah, too easy.

Personally, I really didn't care how the darn things worked, I just wanted to know how to take them off!
 

i usually just carry around a small pair of scissors
 

I remember the Safety Dance and the Bay City Rollers and the song about the Vegemite Sandwich. What is Vegemite, anyway?
 

Vegemite is this Australian thing-- kind of a paste made out of VEGEtables and terMITES-- thus the name.
 

Good definition. Now explain "Pompatus of Love."