Osler's Razor

Recently I found myself on a lengthy flight with inadequate reading material. Truly desperate, I found myself immersed in the horrifying world of SkyMall magazine, a plump monthly chock-full of bizarre products catering, apparently, to America’s impulse spenders who own incontinent pets. About one-third of the products offered involve pet bathrooms of one kind or another, while much of the remainder cater to amazing lazy people who, for example, are unwilling to paddle to the side of the pool to fetch another beer. Here are some of the wares on display for May of this year:

1) Gravity Defyer Shoes! These shoes incorporate an incredible new invention: The metal spring. Apparently, there is some part of the world where the spring is a shocking development, and that part of the world is SkyMall. According to the text, these amazing metal springs also reduce foot odor somehow.

2) The Aculife Home Acupuncture Kit. Really? Really? I can just jab needles in my palm at home instead of paying a professional? Hoo boy. This is the kind of innovation that we get from using stimulus funds on the “Tort Lawyers Full Employment Act of 2009.”

3) “The Peeing Boy of Brussels” Sculpture and Fountain. If you can only afford one peeing boy statue, make sure he is Belgian! Plus, you can sell a bottle of the results at Cricket’s for $10.50. Also available (for $98.95): “Bigfoot, the Garden Yeti” statue.

4) The Coronado Massage Table. On its face, this is a fairly palatable product. It’s only when you read the details that the real unpleasantness comes in—the ad claims that the table “supports 1500 lbs.” Which, of course, raises the possibility of massaging a 1500 lb. person. Ick. Double ick. Notably, the ad also hints that the table could be used for “couples massage”—if you are into touching two 700-pounders in love. Crikeys!

5) Map Plates. Yes, it is… plates that are shaped like European nations. The ad describes the adventure of serving “pasta on Italy,” and “sauerkraut on Germany.” Um, maybe. But it is hard to avoid the fact that Italy is pretty inconveniently shaped to serve anything except an oddly thin boot. And who gets stuck with Luxembourg? Hello, eating disorders and intra-family fisticuffs!

F) Giant Cupcake Pan. I suppose this could help get you back in good graces with whoever got stuck with Luxembourg for his entrée, but still… isn’t there already a dessert that is basically a giant cupcake, called “cake?”

7) The Passenger Seat Office. The photo of this product shows a woman driving the car while working on her laptop, talking on a cell phone, and pulling a file from a hanging folder. I think I recognize her from an accident last week on Valley Mills. But, why stop there? What about her cigarettes, beer, and firearms? This thing needs more pockets.

8) The Dark Knight Special Edition Cowl. Where are you supposed to wear this? The shocking thing is that the last Batman movie actually spent a lot of time making fun of dorks wearing dopey Batman costumes.

9) Bassin’ Boat with 4,000 Volt Death-Ray. Ok, I made this one up… but the rest of them are real. Hello, “Peeing Boy of Brussels!”