Monday, January 12, 2009
"Film" Review: Perhaps the most Anti-Scottish film of all time!
For reasons I cannot rationally defend, I have stayed up late on two recent evenings to take in all of the wonderful awfulness that is "Doomsday," perhaps the most compellingly stupid movie I have seen in a long time.
Certainly, I don't have a problem with some fun being poked at the Scots, as one of my all-time favorite movies is "So I Married An Axe Murderer," which is full of Gaelic put-downs and haggis jokes. However, "Doomsday" is so amazingly anti-Scottish that it is hard to believe. The basic premise of the film is that a killer virus crops up in Glasgow, so the Brits quarantine off all of Scotland and leave the Scots to die, not knowing that some of the Scots are immune and will survive the epidemic.
The funny part is that the Brits are able seal off all of Scotland, a region with 14 research universities, simply by building a 12-foot-wall, a device that apparently stumps the entire Scottish nation. Hey, if it worked for Hadrian... In short order, the Scots revert not only to feudalism but to cannibalism, and lose the ability to farm crops or herd animals. Instead, the moronic Scots pour all of their technological efforts into successfully re-creating 1977-era punk hairstyles and customizing out-of-date schoolbuses and motorbikes. Other Scots, not content to simply cook one another and dance to the music of the Fine Young Cannibals (really), take to secluded castles and do battle on horseback while wearing unwieldy 1250-era armor. Oh, those crazy, retro-loving Scots!
Meanwhile, the clever Brits gather a group of 8 soldiers to breach the apparently impenetrable 12-foot wall and invade Scotland to conquer its millions of defenders. During this escapade, the heroic Brits are variously eaten, do battle with knights in unwieldy 1250-era armor, seem appalled by the Scots' punk hairstyles, and find a Bentley supercar that inexplicably is unable to outrun an old school bus full of punked-out Scots (many of whom, it should be noted, have unusually long tongues).
Could Doomsday be the dumbest movie of all time?
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I have a few Scot friends and I think they'd love that movie, dumb or not . . . . Every Scottish person I've known has a great sense of humor. They have to, 'cause the weather is sooo bad.
But were there any men in kilts? Surely there were!
But were there any men in kilts? Surely there were!
# posted by 
: 6:27 AM
: 6:27 AM 
I saw it. It is both awesome and awful. The lead actress (the one with the removable eyeball is just terrible-- like a Botox overdose victim.
# posted by : 9:44 AM
: 9:44 AM
Justin--
It was kind of compelling. I have, after all, watched it twice. It was compelling in part, though, because so much of it made no sense.
It was kind of compelling. I have, after all, watched it twice. It was compelling in part, though, because so much of it made no sense.
Swiss girl is right, if we didn't laugh, we'd cry...or invade England. Now I have to Netflix this atrocity to see how it ends...I am hoping with a cannibal making a "Longshanks" joke, as the Scotsmen pour over the wall in search of English fare...
Where is Tyd? She can represent her clan in this discussion as well.
Where is Tyd? She can represent her clan in this discussion as well.
Before you start handing out Razzies, consider that I have a catalogue of obscure, often low-budget films with equally ludicrous premises that are nevertheless compelling in their own right. A truly bad movie is its own, unpretentious kind of high art, the spectacle of failure writ so large that its creators are oblivious to its true ontological status as truly worthless pap.
For instance, I recommend you scour the dark corners of the Internet for the seminal "Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter." There are no words. The movie exists as a superposition of poetry and effluvium too perfect for words.
For instance, I recommend you scour the dark corners of the Internet for the seminal "Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter." There are no words. The movie exists as a superposition of poetry and effluvium too perfect for words.
Hi Mark:
Sorry we did not connect at Christmas time.
It sounds like a cross between "Mad Max" and "A Clockwork Orange". Maybe Mel Gibson could have been consulted to present portions of the film in the original Pictish language? I'll ask the people at St. Andrews Festival this summer.
Scott "Spot" Davis
Sorry we did not connect at Christmas time.
It sounds like a cross between "Mad Max" and "A Clockwork Orange". Maybe Mel Gibson could have been consulted to present portions of the film in the original Pictish language? I'll ask the people at St. Andrews Festival this summer.
Scott "Spot" Davis
Ha ha! You got a message on your post about Scotland from someone named "Scot."
# posted by : 4:38 PM
: 4:38 PM
Oh, you bet I am Netflixing this one. I HAVE to see it.
Lane, my nominee (so far, until I've seen the Scot movie) is Jeff Goldblum in "Earth Girls are Easy."
Lane, my nominee (so far, until I've seen the Scot movie) is Jeff Goldblum in "Earth Girls are Easy."
# posted by : 5:56 PM
: 5:56 PM
"Earth Girls" is also a good entry. I'll have to browse The Forbidden Shelf at home for some truly bad ones, the ones I only show to friends.
Surprisingly enough, I can think of one off the top of my head. It's sort of like the 1950s attempt at soft-core pornography, so it's not for everyone, but it's called "Orgy of the Dead." As titillating as the title sounds, it really is quite tame by modern standards. I've seen much worse (acting, nudity, sexuality, etc.) in PG-13 movies recently released. But it's whimsical charm comes from the fact that you believe the actors really, earnestly thought they were making something taboo or verboten. Kinda neat, in its own way.
Also, anything that MST3K has mocked deserves top spots, but it feels a little like cheating if you and your friends don't come up with jokes on your own.
I've also been told that the pseudo-Scary Movie-ish franchise (e.g., Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, Superhero Movie, etc.) are all contenders, but I haven't seen them and cannot verify such a statement.
Also, anything with Bruce Campbell, including Bubba-Ho-Tep. Netflix that one for sure.
Surprisingly enough, I can think of one off the top of my head. It's sort of like the 1950s attempt at soft-core pornography, so it's not for everyone, but it's called "Orgy of the Dead." As titillating as the title sounds, it really is quite tame by modern standards. I've seen much worse (acting, nudity, sexuality, etc.) in PG-13 movies recently released. But it's whimsical charm comes from the fact that you believe the actors really, earnestly thought they were making something taboo or verboten. Kinda neat, in its own way.
Also, anything that MST3K has mocked deserves top spots, but it feels a little like cheating if you and your friends don't come up with jokes on your own.
I've also been told that the pseudo-Scary Movie-ish franchise (e.g., Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, Superhero Movie, etc.) are all contenders, but I haven't seen them and cannot verify such a statement.
Also, anything with Bruce Campbell, including Bubba-Ho-Tep. Netflix that one for sure.
Well, I am probably voicing heresy, but I kinda hated "Forrest Gump." Bad in a different way, though.
# posted by : 7:19 PM
: 7:19 PM
You're not alone, I promise!
Actually, a group here in Austin (Master Pancake Theater, same basic idea as MST3K, but live) recently picked it for a public mocking. It's shocking just how flawed the movie is (for the record, I don't like it). So much of what we as a culture recognize as "good" or a "masterpiece" depends more on social conditioning and herd mentality, versus actual aesthetic appreciation.
We might say that the master aesthetics of a society is culturally determined by a specific context. "Forrest Gump" happened to be the perfect, perfectly accessible, type of digestible material that spoke directly to the unconscious zeitgeist of our culture. We glorify the things it embodies not as eternal, abstract idealizations of art or aesthetics, but simply because our aesthetics comes to match those things we have received as "good."
That's probably why bad movies (and stereotypically "ugly" things, like the sculptures of Rodan or black metal music) appeal to me: I tend to reject that which is banal and find that I value subversion and iconoclastic material.
It's not that my slave aesthetics is any more pure or authentic than the master aesthetics of society, though. It just says something about my value structure and my orientation to the world and my culture.
Actually, a group here in Austin (Master Pancake Theater, same basic idea as MST3K, but live) recently picked it for a public mocking. It's shocking just how flawed the movie is (for the record, I don't like it). So much of what we as a culture recognize as "good" or a "masterpiece" depends more on social conditioning and herd mentality, versus actual aesthetic appreciation.
We might say that the master aesthetics of a society is culturally determined by a specific context. "Forrest Gump" happened to be the perfect, perfectly accessible, type of digestible material that spoke directly to the unconscious zeitgeist of our culture. We glorify the things it embodies not as eternal, abstract idealizations of art or aesthetics, but simply because our aesthetics comes to match those things we have received as "good."
That's probably why bad movies (and stereotypically "ugly" things, like the sculptures of Rodan or black metal music) appeal to me: I tend to reject that which is banal and find that I value subversion and iconoclastic material.
It's not that my slave aesthetics is any more pure or authentic than the master aesthetics of society, though. It just says something about my value structure and my orientation to the world and my culture.
Forrest Gump is such a great book; it's a shame they changed up pretty much everything in the movie.
I think my vote for worst movie ever (or at least in recent years) would definitely have Steven Seagal in it. Maybe On Deadly Ground, where he plays an environmentalist who tries to take down Big Oil and gets in a fistfight with a bear, then ends with an 11-minute soliloquy about the environment that was so boring and preachy they actually cut it out of the theatrical release.
Great, now I'm going to go watch On Deadly Ground instead of working. Thanks, Razor.
I think my vote for worst movie ever (or at least in recent years) would definitely have Steven Seagal in it. Maybe On Deadly Ground, where he plays an environmentalist who tries to take down Big Oil and gets in a fistfight with a bear, then ends with an 11-minute soliloquy about the environment that was so boring and preachy they actually cut it out of the theatrical release.
Great, now I'm going to go watch On Deadly Ground instead of working. Thanks, Razor.
I wish I could find a clip of that SNL thing it was small but it was Mike Myers he worked in a store that sold only Scottish stuff. Their motto? (said in a heavy brogue no unlike my grandfather... )
"If it not Scottish , It's CRAAAAAP.
"If it not Scottish , It's CRAAAAAP.
Hey the worst movie ever is RETURN TO THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS, a REAL movie written by ROGER EBERT.
Abysmal.
Abysmal.
Wait, Tyd, you are clan MacLeod?? Does this mean that you are related to the Highlander? AWESOME!!!! Tag line:
"There can be only one, but he has cousins...Highlander 4, the Family Reunion..." Worst movie ever?
"There can be only one, but he has cousins...Highlander 4, the Family Reunion..." Worst movie ever?
Ginger, we Highlander fans just like to pretend that the movies stopped in the 80s and the series stopped with the 4th season. Denial: it's not just a river in Egypt.
As a former film critic (nine LONG years!), anybody who would name "Field of Dreams" as a "worst" anything doesn't have nine years of 250 films per year to compare it to.
Certainly, some of the made-for-undiscerning-Christians films (I'm calling you out, Left Behind) are among Hellywood's worst.
And yes, "Doomsday" is bad, bad, bad, even down to the bad Kate Beckenscale imitation by the lead mannikin.
Although, I must confess, that Head Cannibal's punch biker chick with the cool tatoos was killed MUCH to early in a film.
It's never a good idea to kill the only, in fact, ACTOR in a movie too soon.
RFDIII
P.S. "The Postman."
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Certainly, some of the made-for-undiscerning-Christians films (I'm calling you out, Left Behind) are among Hellywood's worst.
And yes, "Doomsday" is bad, bad, bad, even down to the bad Kate Beckenscale imitation by the lead mannikin.
Although, I must confess, that Head Cannibal's punch biker chick with the cool tatoos was killed MUCH to early in a film.
It's never a good idea to kill the only, in fact, ACTOR in a movie too soon.
RFDIII
P.S. "The Postman."
# posted by : 8:35 PM
: 8:35 PM << Home
